I know there aren’t many people reading this, but that’s OK. I have been a bit absent the past week weeks. I wrote an entire blog a week-and-a-half ago, but it was just for me. I am swamped with an extra work project and trying to go to the gym and blah, blah, blah. But I’m marching forward, bit by bit.
I’ll write more when there’s time …
I keep thinking about Jessie Spano.
“There’s no time, never any time …”
This is just a quick update, because, well … life is hectic.
My friend Amy suggested this blog headline. I said to her, “I’m going to get off the struggle bus. Real soon.”
The past week was great, terrible, easy and a struggle. I boarded the bus, got off at the next stop, and then did it all over again. But. I did it.
I went to the Y four times last week. Two of those days were just swimming with my son, which is an OK workout. The other days I worked out and swam. I feel pretty good about the start I’ve made. Those were the times I was OFF the struggle bus.
Eating is still the real struggle. I had a good day, a bad day, a good day, a bad day and then three good days. (Four counting today, so far!) But you get the point.
I’m finding little tips that work for me. I am not suggesting that these will work for everyone, because I (of all people) know this stuff is hard and everyone is different.
Here’s what is helping so far:
Gotta run. Tons to do. More later.
“Today is going to be different. I am going to count calories, make good choices, and exercise! I am definitely going to exercise. I am going to stop this.”
“I just binged. Hard. Tomorrow I will start a very restricted diet. Salads. Low carbs. I am going to do this.”
“I am starting a 30-day diet challenge. If I can do this for 30 days, I will have formed a habit of good eating and I will conquer this. I will lose weight.”
These are all conversations I have had with myself, and I’ve seen the same from members of my online binge eating and weight loss support group. We’re always (ALWAYS) trying to come up with a plan to — for crying out loud — STOP THIS MADNESS. Heck, it’s what I am doing right now. (I just realized it as I typed this.)
This self-talk plays a huge role in my overeating and binge eating. Here’s sort of what it sounds like: “Just don’t eat that. You have no self-control. This is ridiculous. How much do you weigh now?” All of this quickly escalates to something much more insidious, whether I am conscious of it or not: “No one is ever going to love you if you don’t lose this weight. Your husband won’t want you, and your son is going to be embarrassed by you. I hate you.”
Heavy. (No pun intended.)
[Did you notice that those hateful things are in third person? What’s up with that? I’ll ponder that more later.]
When you have battled this for so many years, you don’t even realize you are talking to yourself this way. It just is. It’s so destructive; the way we talk to ourselves shapes who we are. It’s like when I realized I needed to stop discussing my preschooler’s eating issues in front of him. I had been saying things like: “He won’t eat XYZ.” Or: “He only eats XYZ.” He would hear that and own it: “I don’t eat XYZ. I am not a good eater.” Just like I have been owning those terrible things I’ve been saying to myself for 30 years.
I’ve been thinking — OK, overthinking — about my next steps toward dealing with this. I’ve maintained the same (too high) weight for a couple weeks. That’s a big deal, because my weight had steadily climbed for months.
Now, I need to do something.
This isn’t a vanity thing at this point. I’m a short, middle-aged, overweight woman with a strong family history of Type 2 diabetes. And I hurt. I’ve noticed that it hurts to simply bend my knees lately. (When you’re “middle-aged,” you know some things are going to be different with your body. At this weight, though, at times I am not sure if it is age or weight. But I’m banking on weight. I’m 40, not 80, for goodness sakes.)
When reading about weight loss, you always see these kind of tips: Make goals and reward yourself with something not related to food. Eat a little less. Eat your food on a smaller plate. Move more. Give yourself positive affirmations. Love yourself. Bah! It all seems so trite. I’ve heard it a million times and it hasn’t helped me any of them.
So, besides seeking professional help, I am starting with this. Do something. Anything. Make one small step toward taking care of myself.
Today, I joined the YMCA. I’ve wanted to join for a long time. It’s kind of pricy, but that’s a good motivator for me and —I need to hear this — I am worth it. The Y has good childcare for up to two hours a day, a ridiculous amount of exercise equipment and classes, lots of other fun activities for our entire family, and my son absolutely loves their indoor pool. (Also, if needed, I can take my son to the childcare and simply use the wi-fi to get a bit of work done. Winning.)
I didn’t join to lose weight, although I’d surely welcome that. I just wanted —nay, needed — to do something for me that I have been wanting to do for a long time. It felt like a step toward self-care. Something loving I could do. Something to combat that self-hatred that is woven into my consciousness.
What will you do today? It doesn’t have to be big. Just a gesture that says, “Hey self. I see you. What do you need today?”
Stay tuned …
So, here I am.
Back to the same place I’ve been a dozen times: I’ve gained back the weight, I feel depressed about it and obsessed with it, and I find myself sitting around fantasizing about how wonderful it would feel to be the perfect weight. This is home. This place of longing for perfect is where I’ve spent much of my life, and destructive or not, I am strangely comfortable here. (Looking way back … A favorite teenage pastime of mine was falling asleep while fantasizing about waking up the next day weighing 115 pounds. I’d wonder, with excitement, “What if I woke up skinny? What would I wear?”)
This time feels different, though, because … well, it is. It’s worse. I feel out of control. I am out of control. I am a binge eater, and that means this: Shame. Guilt. Out-of-control eating followed by severely restricted eating in an effort to regain control. Inability to be perfect, still less control, shame spiral into bingeing and … wash, rinse, repeat. The scale keeps going up along with my unhappiness about the situation.
I’ve spoken about this with my loved ones, as well as my doctor, and now I am seeing a nutritionist. In just one session with her, I realized something extremely important and, I hope, life changing. This has NOTHING to do with food. And it never has. This is about control. This is about my longing to change how I feel. Like I said in my last (very short post): “I just cannot deal sometimes. OK, a lot of the time. And I just keep turning to food. For comfort. For control. To ease stress. To do something I am not ‘supposed’ to do.”
For far too long — I’m 40 and I can remember dieting in my preteens — my self-esteem has been wrapped up in the number on the scale. And because I have gained and lost significant amounts of weight NUMEROUS times, my identity is tied to this lifelong pursuit — and eventual rejection — of “health” (read: losing weight, let’s get real). It’s become “who I am,” someone who is always in a state of getting in shape or being a fat slob*, i.e. gaining weight.
*This is how messed up I am: In my mind, I am either good (counting calories, exercising, focusing on health and, well, being attractive) or I am bad (a fat slob who can’t control herself and doesn’t deserve a second glance).
My current state is a culmination of this lifelong battle and a few contributing factors: depression; middle age; and motherhood, which is amazing but has also left me feeling as if I have lost a piece of myself. I have, of course, but I’ve also gained love like I’ve never known and a primal instinct to care for and love my child. Totally worth it.
There is one other thing I think might play a role. My beautiful, intelligent and curious 4-year-old son WILL NOT EAT. He has major food anxiety and aversion. When you couple his issues with mine, I spend far too much time thinking about food.
I intend to explore all of this, here, and write through it as I try to find myself. I’m pretty sure she won’t be the same Lorie. She’ll be a new-and-improved Lorie who will write a new story, one about loving and taking care of herself AND her family, not one or the other, regardless of the number on the scale.
And when I find her, THAT will be a weight off my shoulders.
Off I go … down the rabbit hole. Maybe I’ll see you along the way.
It’s been a long time since I have updated this blog, and boy has my life changed! But one thing remains the same: the struggle with my weight continues. The struggle with life continues, really, because I am learning that it is not my weight that is the problem. I just cannot deal sometimes. OK, a lot of the time. And I just keep turning to food. For comfort. For control. To ease stress. To do something I am not “supposed” to do. I aim to change that. And I’m going to talk about that here. Stay tuned.
Well, hello.
I’m still here. I just took a little break while I got settled into my new job at The Lane Report. I LOVE it. I am getting to do a lot of things I really enjoy AND get home in time to spend the evening with my husband and Josie, the cutest dog ever.
I’m sure you might have noticed the words ” and go to the gym” were missing from the previous paragraph. Yeah. To make matters worse, my new, wonderful co-workers have a sweet tooth (teeth?) and keep loads of candy around. Mini Reese cups, chocolate bars, tiny Snickers.
I spent about an hour today looking at photos of fat people to illustrate a story about the cost of treating chronic conditions such as obesity and diabetes. And for some strange reason, that made me really want a mini Reese cup. I know. It makes no sense. I should have the opposite reaction. (Especially because, at one point, I was thinking of posing for the shot I was looking for. OK, maybe not, but you know what I mean.)
But I digress.
I did go to the gym today. I spent 45 minutes between the treadmill and the elliptical machine, while watching an episode of “Supernatural” on Netflix. It was about killer bugs, which made for a lots of scratching while I worked out. Perhaps the scratching burned some extra calories, who knows?
No matter how much I know that being healthy has to be a lifestyle change, as soon as I am on track, I so easily fall back into old habits. I get lazy. And, I turn to food for comfort. When I start feeling like I NEED some chocolate or something else sweet, I really should be assessing what is going on with me. But, personal inventory is no fun, and most times, I give in to the craving.
Why is it that I know the problem so well, but just won’t apply the solution?
One day.
Well, that’s today. I did well today. I will try again tomorrow. I need to establish the gym/exercise regimen now, while I am still getting accustomed to my new job. (And, somehow, develop an aversion to chocolate.)
Wish me luck!
Today is my last day as editor of the Richmond Register.
With much consideration and many tears — as well as guidance from those who mentor me — I’ve decided to take on a new challenge, one that allows me a little more time to spend with my family.
On Monday, I begin a new adventure as associate editor of the Lane Report, a renowned business magazine in Lexington.
Leaving my Register family is not a decision I took lightly.
That’s exactly what my fellow employees at the Register are to me. Family. Throughout the past seven and one-half years, I’ve spent more time with the employees of this newspaper than I have my biological family. We’ve grown to love each other, even with all our quirky faults on display every day.
We’ve seen each other through deaths, emotional family issues and other difficult times. I can always count on someone here at the Register to make me smile, when the rest of the world makes me downright grumpy.
If something ails me, there is a large group of women I can turn to who can tell me 10 or 12 different ways to solve it. And at least two or three of them will be quite humorous.
When I have a song stuck in my head, I can always share that earworm with Ronica Shannon, who knows about as many obscure songs as I do. This week at the hair salon, I heard a song that goes, “Baby there’s a shark in the water.” That’s about all I remember of it, but it keeps running through my head. If you’ve ever heard it, maybe you’re singing it now, too.
Ronica could easily be a stand-up comedian. I love her jokes, but more than that, I love her heart. Ronica wants so much to make a difference in this world, that sometimes, I don’t think she realizes she already does.
Ronica is a dear friend, and I will hunt her down if she does not stay in touch with me. You hear that, Ronica?
I turn to Bill Robinson when I don’t know why something is the way it is in Madison County. Bill is a walking encyclopedia, filled with useful and random facts. He’s a handy guy to keep around.
Bill has taught me a lot about what it means to be a true community journalist. He keeps me laughing, too. There is almost nothing funnier than Bill cracking up at his own joke. And, no one can eat salsa and chips like Bill.
I am proud to announce that Bill is the new editor of this newspaper. It’s a job he held in the late 70s and early 80s, and he is prepared to continue the good work that previous editor Jim Todd started here and that as a team, we’ve continued. (Teamwork is key!)
Carrie Curry came to us from Delaware, but she was always meant for Kentucky. She might never pick up our accent, or God forbid, allow her kids to use one, but she is a Kentucky girl. Just check out her garden, or see her at Keeneland!
It feels like Carrie and I have grown up here at the Register together, even though we were more than grown when we arrived.
I’ve learned a lot about what motherhood looks like, close up, from Carrie. She is one of the best moms I have ever seen. Her babies are No. 1, and they should be. I will miss Carrie, but I am pretty sure I’ll still be seeing her, because I am about the only person in Kentucky she lets babysit her children. Call me, Carrie.
Nancy Taggart was a mystery to me for about the first three or four years I worked here. She’s quiet most of the time, but don’t let that fool you. She is quite the jokester.
Nancy is a very private person, so I won’t reveal too many of her secrets here. But I can tell you one thing, there is no one more dedicated to the Richmond Register than Nancy Taggart. You probably know that because you’ve seen her out at practically every event in Madison County, shooting photos.
If I am ever unsure about a news decision, I always ask Nancy what she thinks. She’s got a nose for news and is always honest. And, she’s the best darn photographer I’ve ever seen, as well as one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet.
Crystal Wylie is fairly new to our newsroom, but it feels like I’ve known her my entire life. She is one of those people you’ll never forget. She is very intelligent and organized, which is exactly what you need in a good reporter. She’s also one of the most hilarious people I’ve ever met, and she draws the funny out of everyone around her. You can’t be in a room with Crystal and not have fun. I’ll miss seeing her every day, but I’m counting on still having her in my life.
I recruited Sarah Hogsed to the Richmond Register. For just under a year, I tried to get her to come to this newspaper. Finally, in January, she began working as our cops and courts reporter. Employing her was a home run. She knows her stuff, she’s professional and is excited about her work.
When I announced my resignation, she said she felt like a ball player who had been recruited by a coach who then left the team. I’m sorry for that, Sarah, but I know you’ll continue to make a positive impact at the Register. You don’t need me to succeed, that’s for sure.
I know I am getting long-winded here, but there are so many others I will miss. It’s hard to imagine working without Roy Varney’s jokes (hit or miss) or teasing news clerk Mary Barczak about having a crush on Crystal Wylie’s older brother (she doesn’t, but that’s what makes it even funnier).
I just introduced publisher Nick Lewis to my mustache collection. (You know, because some people still think the editor is going to be a man, so a girl’s gotta have a go-to stick-on mustache out of a machine from the Mexican restaurant.) Where else could I walk around in a mustache, but then still be taken seriously when it comes to business?
Nick has been a top-notch boss. He offered advice when I asked for it, supported me when I made tough decisions and never questioned my ability. I’m thankful for his leadership.
The ladies in our composing department have always offered me sage advice, and I’ve been glad to have it. They’ve cheered me on, listened to my woes and been dear friends. The same goes for the ladies in classifieds and accounting, and my friends in the advertising and circulation departments. I’m beyond grateful to have had the chance to work with so many wonderful people, such as Tim Mandell and Nathan Hutchinson in our sports department, who work so well at covering sports in Madison County, I’ve never once had to worry about the sports section. Not even once.
And I haven’t even mentioned the wonderful people I’ve met in this community, and the amazing stories we’ve had the chance to tell.
I’ve been blessed with friends almost everywhere I turned, from the circuit court clerk’s office to David and Jennifer Smith, and many of the attorneys I met while covering court stories. And I can’t forget my “little old men,” Dick Ham, Glenmore Jones and Jack Strauss. You’ve encouraged me in more ways than you know and I am changed because I know you.
Sandra Plant has been my cheerleader from Day One, and her confidence in me helped me develop more in myself. Thank you. She and Frank Kourt, with his deep knowledge of just about everything, have helped this paper be what it is today. I will miss their storytelling and their friendship.
This column would not be complete without thanking Jim Todd for hiring me in 2004, mentoring me and teaching me how to be a good boss, how to write better
stories, how to build a team, and most of all, how to truly be a good friend.
I will miss you all.
Lorie Love Hailey can be reached at lorielovehailey@gmail.com. Her blog can be read at www.aweightoffmyshoulders.wordpress.com.
The Bible instructs us to make a joyful noise unto the Lord. Growing up, I remember being told that even a poor voice singing God’s praises would make him happy.
If that’s true, God surely will be delighted Sunday when he hears the sounds of Les Jongleurs, a select choir directed by John Stegner performing in concert at First Christian Church in Richmond.
I admit, that’s a bit boastful, considering I am a member of this ensemble. To tell you the truth, I am overjoyed (and amazed) they found my voice good enough to join.
There are two things I have always done. Write and sing. For much of my life, singing was a huge part of my identity.
I sang at church, in my high school choir and in community theatre musicals. I also performed at festivals and homecoming celebrations, in weddings and, well, pretty much anywhere I could.
I will sing solos, and I have sung very many, but the art of blending my voice with someone else’s has always interested me more.
Singing harmony with my sister, for example, and somehow knowing which part to take without even speaking about it, is magical.
So, when I got the opportunity to join this 15-member choir made up of people who, like me, have been singing forever, I jumped at the chance to use the instrument God gave me.
The choir had been rehearsing for a bit when I joined, and to say it was a challenge to catch up is an understatement.
This concert features sacred music in all sorts of styles, including Renaissance, African-American spirituals, early American hymns, contemporary and gospel music.
The music is some of the most difficult I’ve ever performed, and it seemed like every week, I received a new piece of music. (I actually was just catching up!)
Our director, John Stegner, is a pro. His resume is impressive, to say the least. He knows what he is doing and our concert is sure to be a hit. When you’re singing for someone who knows what he is doing, and standing next to singers such as Toni McHugh (a Richmond woman with one of the strongest, clearest soprano voices I’ve ever heard) and one of my best friends from high school, Nicole Larkey Conyers (who should be singing professionally), you can’t help but feel confident.
Come hear me and my friends in Les Jongleurs at 3 p.m. Sunday and share in my amazement.
The concert is free.
(Just in case you’re wondering, Les Jongleurs is French for The Jugglers.)
+++
For those of you watching for an update to my blog, “A Weight Off My Shoulders,” here you go.
I’ve not been doing very well. Kind of hit or miss. I haven’t lost any more weight yet, and my weakness still seems to be sweets. But, I did run/walk a 5K on Saturday and am thinking about doing the one St. Patty’s Day 5K Thursday night at the Blue Grass Army Depot.
Good decisions — the 5K — hopefully can have as much impact as the bad ones — Panera’s double chocolate brownie. That’s my hope anyway.
My goal is not perfection. It’s just to make better decisions and be healthier.
Now, if someone could find my willpower, I’d sure like to have it back.
I should really ask Robert Clark, who works in circulation here at the Register, what his diet secret is. He has lost more than 40 pounds since Jan. 1.
Congratulations, Robert.
I could write this update in two words: I’m struggling.
The past few weeks, it seems I have allowed myself to become distracted from my health goals by … well, life. From family dinners to late nights working, I’ve eaten badly too many days and skipped the gym on several occasions.
The truth is … I’ve been lazy.
I can see a pattern. I have met all of my goals one day, and then not met them the next. I do well for two days, and then bad for a day. Then, I get discouraged by my lack of progress.
I promised honesty. This time, it really has been difficult. My willpower is not as strong as it needs to be, and I am so tired after work that I struggle with working out.
Does this mean I am done? That I am giving up? Of course not. (If for no other reason, I can’t handle the heckling from Jimmy Dale Williams.)
But, it does mean I must make some adjustments.
One, I must go to the gym before work a few times a week, instead of waiting until after work when I am very tired from the day. I also must find alternative forms of exercise so that I do not get bored.
And, as I’ve said before, I must plan better and prepare healthy meals ahead of time.
I think the most important adjustment, however, is in my attitude. I must see my weight loss efforts as, not a race to be won, but a change in the way I view food.
I’ve used food as a warm blanket to wrap myself in when I’m upset, frustrated or tired. I am an emotional eater. I just want to feel good, and somehow, I think food can do that.
But, it never really works. I feel guilty immediately, which triggers another response: “Oh well, I am never going to be able to lose weight, I might as well eat what I want.”
Despite my lack of progress lately, I still know I can be successful. I’ve promised my father-in-law I would run a 5K in March — the same one Tinsley and I ran in 2010 — and I will not let him down. So, the first order of business is to get my feet on the pavement.
Next time you see me, ask me if I’ve been running. I’m the worst liar in the world, so I’ll be forced to tell you the truth … good or bad. And hopefully that will be motivation enough to get me out on the road.
The weight-loss journey continues, but not without some bumps in the road.
The past week was very difficult. I lost one pound, but seem to have found it again. I’m not surprised, though, because I made some poor choices and learned a few important lessons.
The first is the absolute necessity of eating at regular intervals. Extreme hunger makes my willpower weak. If I wait too long between lunch and dinner, it is a sure bet that I am going to grab something quick and easy.
Quick and easy usually means fattening.
Last Monday and Tuesday nights, I didn’t get home until later in the evening and I picked up dinner on the way home.
I worked out like a mad woman Monday night, but was so famished by the time I was done that I had to eat right then. I couldn’t wait until I got home to make something healthy.
So, from now on, I know I must eat something before working out so I am not starving when I am done.
I also did not work out as often this week because of special events that were scheduled, a newspaper awards banquet (we won third!) and a 13th birthday celebration with my cousin Maggie, which turned into two days of celebrating because she stayed the night with us after a day of shopping in Lexington.
But, these events are no excuse. I knew they were planned and could have worked harder to work around them. I could have gotten up earlier and gone to the gym before work, but I didn’t. And I didn’t get the results I wanted this week, either.
The most important lesson, however, is not giving up. It is too easy to get down on myself and throw in the towel. Instead, I am going to let this week renew my vigor. Besides, I am still down seven pounds from when I started. And I can reach my goals. I just have to learn this way of life and keep it up.
So, if you’re feeling down about messing up your “diet,” don’t. Just do better today.
As one of my friends tells me, “Remember, I think you’re fantastic.”
A Weight Off My Shoulders 